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In search of toast
By Janice Lindsey
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
All I wanted was a good piece of toast. Was that too much to ask? Apparently, yes.
I ordered a nifty-sounding high-tech $60 toaster from a catalog company. The ad promised "Perfect
Toast." This toaster offered a defrost cycle. A bagel-toasting mechanism. A lever to lift the
toasting grid. A warming tray. Slide-out crumb tray. Retractable cord.
There was only one thing this toaster didn't do: Make toast. If the top crust toasted, the
bottom crust remained in its pre-toast condition. If the bottom crust browned, the top crust blacked.
I phoned Toaster Company. The nice man maintained that bread varies in toastability. Thick bread
toasts differently from thin, whole grain differently from white. When frozen bread thaws, the
condensation sinks toward the bottom, so the bottom takes longer to toast. This high-tech toaster
is calibrated for never-frozen, commercial white bread.
I tried again: whole grain, white; homemade, store-bought; never frozen; frozen bread that I lay flat
to thaw; thawed bread toasted upside down to test the condensation-at-the-bottom theory; bread
toasted half-way then flipped to toast the other half.
I wrestled the toaster into its box and shipped it to Toaster Repair. "It shouldn't be this hard,"
I wrote, "to make a piece of toast."
I waited three weeks. Phoned Toaster Repair. They didn't possess the necessary parts. Toaster
Company would send a new toaster.
Another two weeks. A carton from Toaster Company arrived. Inside was a brand new shiny programmable
1100-watt 12-cup coffee machine labeled "warranty replacement." I thought, "I have cooked with many
appliances, but I don't think I can figure out how to make toast with a coffee machine."
I phoned Toaster Company. Oh, dear, said the nice lady. She promised to ship me a new toaster right
away. She'd also send postage to return the coffee machine.
Another week. New toaster arrived. Looked just like the first one. Acted like it, too.
I made a sample toast with store-bought white bread at the medium setting. Result: untoast, white
with barely tan splotches. Once the toaster had cooled, I made a piece at the high setting. The
beige bottom crust contrasted smartly with the charcoal top.
I slid each piece into a sandwich bag, packed the bags in bubble wrap, and mailed the "toast" to
Toaster Company. I enclosed a letter: "I really would like a toaster that works. Could you please
send me one? But test it first? And send postage to return this one? And postage for the coffee
machine? Or just tell me that you can't provide me with a decent piece of toast. I'll sell the coffee
machine to whoever will also take the toaster off my hands. That way, I can recoup my losses and have
enough money left to buy a $15 toaster at the hardware store."
I never heard from Toaster Company again, though I received their return postage for the coffee
machine. But I heard from Customer Service at Catalog Company, to whom I had mailed a copy of my
letter and who had phoned Toaster Company.
The catalog lady said to ship the replacement toaster to her; she would refund both the purchase
price and the shipping cost. So Catalog Company, in an extraordinary act of customer service, gave
me a refund for a toaster they had never sent me in the first place.
I went to Reny's and bought a plain $15 toaster. It does only one thing: Make toast. Fine toast.
Almost perfect toast.
Janice Lindsay of Damariscotta is a freelance writer specializing in business communications.
She's also president of Maine Media Women. Contact janice@janice-lindsay.com.
Excerpt From: Courier - Gazette, July 2007
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R.H. Reny, Inc.
731 Route 1
Newcastle, Maine 04553
Phone: (207)563-3177
Fax: (207)563-5681
E-Mail: feedback@renys.com
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